Day 1

Today I am really going to start working on myself. I think I am going to become an active listener. To be honest, I am afraid of doing introspection but my band did have an album called introspection. Also, when I look back at my life I realize that I have been given alot of tools for what I am trying to do, or become. The one banana monkey, old dude on the beach, the one, conversations with god, love, abortion, Ida mahone, etc… Its all been there because I am very sure that my family has attempted to become more but life got the best of them. So I am in a real good position to “make it,” whatever that means. First, I need to really listen to the words that people speak. I need to learn to love words and how they are used. I believe it is possible for someone to understand global capitalism through culture because we are so much integrated within it. 

 

As for other things, I will put them on hold for now and I will really work at getting to know people on different levels and not just the level I want them to be on. Its a scary endeavor but i dont want to be a punk. I hope this works.

I will post about it regularly because i need articulate my experiences

 

Aaron

Separation

Can you compartmentalize life? I read a lot material that tries to do this but it ultimately conflicts with other bodies of work. What I do find problematic is that there is a division between how people compartmentalize life and how life is actually lived. Scholarship has failed to greatly improve the lives of others. And now society faces another juncture in its evolution and I am scared to see what is going to come. The last time an epoch event took place 300 cities erupted in urban rebellion. Goes to show that more that one road is needed to reach our final destination. Yet, what is our destination. I want to be a good person but even that is obscure. But I am not sure if doing that is a complex thing. If I try to do right by others and by myself is that enough? I would say yes but our current historical context doesn’t allow so. Our American society is heavily embedded within global capitalism. And there isn’t enough talk about how our culture is a representation of the hegemonic political, mode of production, and post- system. The way we walk, talk, interact all encompasses global capitalism. Our relationships with one another is an extension of that system. When we date and love its a totally self-serving ordeal. We break up, hate each other, fight, play games which further divides people. This benefits the current political, economic, and social structure. You have a million MBA candidates who aren’t aware of effective demand so there influx into the labor market proves problematic as there aren’t enough jobs, so in order to survive they take over institutions that aren’t fully integrated into global capitalism and mirco manage non-profits and street vendors. Everyones a hustler but no one is a giver. You can sale water to a whale but you can’t give the whale a drop without a fee. 

 

I wonder if how I have sex is a representation of the global capitalist system. I need to think

Validation as a social time and space revolution

Validation is some dangerous shit. Its such a complex event but its a very simplistic result. A person looks good for the night and seeks validation for looking good. A boyfriend grabs flowers after work for his woman and seeks validation from her. Children look to there parents for validation for getting an A on a test. I want to consider if validation is a driving force in pursuit of ourselves as individuals or is it a purely communal event. There are general forms of validation that are easy to understand. I find the validation that comes with love is both communal and individualistic. It provides feelings of self-worth but it always gives apart of yourself to another person. This is a very healthy form of validation as long as the person on the end receiving it can give the same. If not, you run into alot of complications that ultimately can ruin relationships. Yet, what does this validation mean as a tool for change, within ourselves and in our human relationships? I hope to answer this in the coming years. For now lets explore a view or to of validation within the constraints of social time and space. 

Social time deals with the linear path of birth and death that every human being follows. This is very elementary because if we were to imagine a person’s life on a graph we would not see a horizontal unchanged continuous line. Instead e would see a line filled with peaks and valley’s that would have a starting point and end point. All that is given is death but the life we live can be totally perplexing to other people. I want to say that time is only measurable in death but leads to infinite possibility as people cope with their mortality. I often ask myself, if human were not aware of there own mortality would we hurt one another as we do? I do believe survival is imprinted into the human condition but I wonder if its amplified due to us being conscious. Time should be viewed as a limitless possibility. Its not a real constraint it just guides the path of life. 

Space on the other hand is able to be defined but it requires a level of insight to do so. For example, A box can be view through many different lenes. A person can see the use value, exchange value, social value, area, volume, environmental impact etc… of a box. So space is a question of how you define an object or even the subject. Which is problematic because its rare to find people who have the same lenes. But before inquiry can happen there needs to be a level of maturity in regards to understanding the material. 

Validation needs to be seen as part of time in that our own morality governs how people use it and viewed through a lenses that is fair and doesn’t misinterpret what validation is in different periods. also it can mean different things to other people but for our case we need to see it as a tool of fundamental change as its crucial to our struggle. This is a social time and space revolutionary tip bit. Thank you

A Change

I haven’t written in this blog for a minute. I would like to say sorry to all the people in the world who read this blog. I am alive, in Los Angeles broke as fuck. Honestly, its real good. It builds character and hair on my chest. Also, my attempt at love has been made fickle but its alright. Life’s a bitch and then you die. Now onto some serious bizzness. Everyone, including myself, is fucked up. Not beyond repair but the question then becomes what does that repair mean. It differs from person to person but for some reason people try to hold onto this image of what is right and that  there right is the only right there ever was. Its okay because I am glad people are trying to find “right” but I think the only right there is in the world is treating people the right way. Regardless if that needle to your vein has a negative effect on the world it is the needle that is the problem its the person injecting the needle. Which causes a course of events that hurt other people. Thats why its wrong. I am down for the needle but its hard to be about something without effecting others. I know this may seem “queer” but alot of things in life dont make any sense. Like Obama playing president while the nation is suffering. Wheres the “hope” and “change,” it got swept up with the fluid from john mcCains botox injection.

Things in life dong make too much sense but life itself makes a whole lot of sense. There is a beginning and end to our lived existence which is weird because I doubt the plant is aware of its end. Like the plant doesnt wake up with this sense of mortality.  Maybe if it did, they would be in control of the world right now. Yet, there are different variances of life. because human life is holistically different than a cock roaches life. There are similarities but on a whole a cockroach doesnt lean with it the way we do. I am not sure if they are aware of there end but a beginning and end doesnt constitute a lived existence. A beginning and end to our conscious life is the only constraints we have and that reaility is something alot of people fight with. We try to control it by extending that truth into the workplace, relationships, events, life. Because we have a beginning and end we try to make everything else have a beginning and end as to justify why we have to die. Its sad, because I doubt the hunter gather tried to do this. They knew of order and routine because the sun appeared and disappeared but to see structure and order only happened when agriculturalist came around. They sought to understand the phenomenon of the sun appearing and developed a routine along with it. Time became more important as civilizations appeared around farmers and sources of surplus. Which was desirable because hunting and gather was weak as fuck. Yet, the human condition, which is to toil and struggle, didnt change. Instead of waking up to walk around for food people woke up to work the fields. It was just as hard as hunting and gathering but it provided the stability of being in one spot of awhile. Which allow human beings to really develop. I really think in this development man/woman started to contemplate why they had a beginning and end. Because of this, creation stories came into existence to explain why people worked hard as fuck and died. I hope this is the beginning of something good.

 

 

Stories of Creation came into existence to explain why people worked so fucking hard and died.

“Did you hear about (insert an old name, like Barack!!!)????”

“No, What happened?”

“Barack worked these fields for 20 years and dropped dead in some corn.”

“Shit, How old was he?”

“23″

“Fuck, What a shiity hand life gave him.”

“For Real”

Insert a creation story

“Did you hear about Barack?”

“No, What Happened?”

“Barack worked these fields for 20 years and dead in some corn.”

” Shit, How old was he?”

“23″

“Damn, God gave him a good life, he outlived his father who was sent to the lord at 15.”

“For Real.”

Thoughts!!

What is need more than ever is a unified thought process combining the strengths, weaknesses, and hte real deal between life, love, activism and struggle. As I sit here I am contemplating thoughts of love, strife, mobile dance parties and my purpose. Its preplexing but I feel somehow I am closer to the truth then I am in the act of being apart of the cousin of death. When my mind is at peace, I find a funny feeling that can’t be taken away. Yet, I only achieve that peace upon waking up not really knowing what my purpose for the day is. Then like a hammer I am hit on the head with the realization that I am in some complex relationship with someone who has the same tattoo as me or I think of how my life devoid of interpersonal strife isn’t a good measure of how I feel. I am hurting even though I am in limited contact with the ones I care about and love. I feel this is the period where I begin to fully understand what I have done to others and ask for some kind of salvation. Yet, my thoughts a overtaken by this love that has its up and downs even before the first fuck. Which ethier means I am out of my fucking mind or I am fighting for something I believe in finally!!!! I hope the the fight is something I will be known for, cuz is this doesnt work out I will have no regrets cuz I can finally say I gave something 110%.  But this isn’t it, not by a long shot and I feel that maybe my focus on love is not the most important isusse in my life. Its up there but I always have found a calling with trying to help people and the world. I dont believe in widespread global change, at this point, but I do feel I am working on something in my mind that is going to fuck alot of shit up.

I believe it starts with my current situation where I am deemed and vilifed for not posscessing the traits of most men. Instead of letting a woman know how much sex I want from her I perfer to give her a smile and a piece  of my mind. I am called bootsy for this but I rather get to know a person by the size of there book collection than the size of his breat or vagina. I dont knock sex but what if I can honestly say that I can have any woman I want with a simple conversation. But the line “have any woman I want” is problematic. I believe its this right of ownership with own that has made alot of our world fucked. ownership is a man made event and when you die all that you own doesn’t dissappear with you. So what we live for in ownership is the termopary of the present that is constantly changing. Its absurd that this is the case but its the reality of our current sitution. What we need is a voice from many people that challenging what people feel they are entitled too. like most things of life i believe our actions should be part of a two way streat not a one lane highway where the car going forward only has one way to get there nor can they full understand there place because in there current ride they are alone around them.

The desert wind combines the sorrows of the world. They were once oceans as mighty as there friends who still make up the majority of the world. As with most things in life, the desert ceased to be an ocean as people walking the land will cease to walk. Noone can recall when those deserts were oceans, so how can we remember what man use to be. If history is an object of self-preservation, what happens to the world before people starting to record events? Did people even exsist? Was struggle found in the wel-fare lines or 3rd world kids without shoes in the breadlines? If it isn’t remembered did it ever exsist?

I know I care because I can rememeber but if I woke up without memory, how much would I care for the world?

Projecting!!

Man this love shit is hard. I can’t even begin to explain what I am going through right now. Alot of it is silly but I can see why when people have to put their souls on the line. Yet, why does this shit hurt so much. Like a little kiss good-bye instead of a big one can send you into a fuede with your mind. So right now I can’t eat or sleep so I just think waiting for a sign that what I am doing is right. The signs never come. My world is magnified under the star of dispare. Its like I am wiaitng for all of this shit that isn’t gunna materialize. So i am fucked, I am unsure.

love in the time of cholera has been taking over my mind for the last couple of days. The dude who wrote this is an amazing writer and it should be noted that this book is dense. Their is so much information on the peculiarities of love. Which has been fucking with my mind as of late. I am not into bold statements but I am sure that I am experiencing a kind of love that is giving me faith in the dreamer that’s inside of me. This has been a continuation of how people bring out the best in me and continuously remind myself of hte person that I should be. Whats happening now is a sort of drunk’n haze. Hours of phone conversations, hours of thinking about the person, and an excitedness knowing that I am going to see that person in a week. I feel as if I am fucked. Like i am diving head first into something that may not work out. Which is perfectly find with myself. I just want to give someone 110% of myself and make sure I am giving my heart, mind and soul to that person regularly. And i am trying not to offend people during this process but I know its hard. Yet, if its any consolation to the people that I have hurt, i grow alot from my experiences and I am finally able to call myself a man.

His our Story was A curious as his Narritive

arundhati roy + Frieire + John Cusak + Detroit = Love

Who knew this would be a combination to love.That together this makes of a person that only through these 4 words can explain what I am experiencing. I am scared as fuck. But A.N.B.I.T.J seems to fit most things in my life. Who knew a homeless person who bestow the anthem of 2009! I didnt have a clue this was transpire now I have to put myself to hire because this bitch aint in dire need of a cure for this disease of life that penetrates the minds of the weak because we forgot how to speak and all that is left is our minds broke down by this imperial design.

With love,

Aaron

That first scene in the book Invisible Man is rough. I can’t get over how these kids are shown a naked white woman that increase the rage within them when she is taken away. After she esacape for the mysoginy of the white crowd of men, the young black men are blindfolded as a frenzy of drunk’n, cigar smoken, southern white men beat the living shit out of them. The two left standing proceed to fight a normal boxing match. Yet, all he is concerned with is trying please the white men who are watching.

This kills men.

Please tell us about books or authors that have been particularly meaningful to you.

There are two books that created a space within my mind to understand why I felt dispossessed or alone. The first was Youth in Revolt by C.D. Payne and the other is James Baldwin’s Going to Meet the Man.

Youth In Revolt is my generations Catcher in the Rye. Its a story of self-discovery in a world that become more complex as time goes on. It addresses adolescence, puberty, sex, love, adventure and everything I was going through as a 16 year old in Houston, Texas. To be honest, becoming a young adult is a very difficult and perplexing experience. Waking up with feelings, emotions and physical changes that society doesn’t talk about, makes books like Youth In Revolt necessary. And like most 16 year olds, I thought my experiences were only happening to me and no one else. I had no real outlet for any of the feelings I was going through, until Youth In Revolt gave me my first really glimpse into another mind that was going through similar struggles.

As I grew older, my awkwardness in my adolescence was replaced by a lack of purpose as an adult. It felt as though I was surround by people who just didn’t understand who I was as a person.  Yet, I wasn’t alone and Going to Meet the Man is a testament to this.  I found comfort in James Baldwin’s collection of short stories as he detailed human emotion in a society that is constantly forcing conformity. One story that is still draws emotion from me, is the story of an sheriff, who is trying to keep the status quo alive, while living through a contradiction in his own life. Deep down, away from the badge and wife, he is broken by the images he witnessed as a child. So while he is beating a black man for trying to sit-in at a local dinner, the sheriff is brought back to the memories of his childhood.

This story evokes  a lot of emotion in me. What it does is create a space to understand that social norms do change and what we think is true today is up for disprovable tomorrow. When I felt frustrated about certain parts of my life, I realize that life is always changing and I have to be in a position to create the change as it comes. James Baldwin has opened my mind to the effects of change as it takes place everyday.